Forever Alone -Chapter III-

Days have passed and I have never stopped even a second thinking...
Thinking how long will I be like this?
How long will I stay like this?
Will it actually take me forever?

Where is this thing I'm looking for?
The thing that I always feel I need...
Or maybe I will just stay this way...
Because I am so used to be like this...

How I wonder how to be normal?
I wish I could be normal...
Yeah I know... It's normal to feel this way...
I just wanted to prove some things... (some things that is not clear)

Sometimes I can't survive the pain...
The pain that can kill me softly...
The pain that is kept along for a long time...
The pain no one will ever know...

It hurts... It hurts...
Why do I have to be a human?
Why do I have to feel pain?
Why do I have to be alone?

I love the rain, as I know I love myself...
But standing in the rain all alone...
Being in the middle of the street, alone in the dark...
Waiting for someone that will took forever to arrive...

Who wants to be alone? Do you think they wanted it?
Nobody wants to be alone... Everybody wants attention...
No man is an island... But why are still this people left all alone?
Why is it that we should experience all the pain?

I can't seem to understand this so hard game called life...
I hope I can just easily quit it or cheat it...
The more I am nearing to finish the game...
I am discovering that it's starting back at the beginning...

I don't want to be alone no more... I don't want to be alone...
But where is the thing I am looking for?
I am walking on an endless line to infinity...
Searching for clues that can't be seen...

I can shed a million tears if that is all it takes...
I know that it can be considered a weak point... (but...)
If only tears can remove all the pain...
I will just shed a tear and another 999999 times for it...

I can act to be another person if I wanted to...
It's a better way of cheating in having a nice status in this game...
But sooner or later I'll be the one who will lose it all...
My real self will be soon unfold and haunt me forever...

Although I can't seem to calculate how long will I stay like this...
I am willing to be better at the proper time and place...
I don't want to stay this way! I don't want to be alone no more...
I hate this pain... I hate this pain... I hate this pain...

The chapters are just beginning... It's not yet the end...
I am starting to open all the possible doors...
The doors that will let me enter the end of the game...
I just hope that I will be satisfied with my final status...

Forever alone -[Chapter II]-

I am stuck in this world were perfection is exalted...
It seems I have survived that lonely night...
I passed out like a weak little girl...
Good for me! I am now useless, stupid, alone plus weak!

Never expect a love in return! Never expect!
Don't ever forget... Never ever forget... (you're forever...)
Alone...
A 5-letter word that gives me pain... (enough to crush my heart into pieces)

That night seemed to bite me so much... (giving me a big taste of reality)
And in the end I will always find... It's just me... It's only me...
I have friends... I have friends... But they're not with me 24/7
There will always be that time you'll be alone...

Come on! Come on! Here we are again! Shed a tear... Shed another one...
Cry it all out! Until you arrived at the last drop...
You're stupid, weak and useless...
And currently... You're crying for nothing... (you're used to this aren't you?)

You're happy aren't you? (even with those tears you shed?)
I am always with you... (yourself is always here...)

Maybe you think I am crazy, don't you?
I am stupid, useless, alone, weak and crazy... (I don't seem to care)
Let's just wait and see what will happen next...
On forever alone's Chapter III

Forever Alone -[Chapter I]-

I wish I could create a 'perfect world' of my own
Making me perfect in every human's eye
Oh how I wish I could... Oh how I wish I could...
So I can put to an end all these sufferings and pain...

"The thing that makes us perfect is our imperfection"
Quite true, but there's still this 'perfect standard'
Killing me gently... How I wish they could... (To end this now this early..)
But it seems like they want me to suffer for the rest of my life...

I am useless, I know... You always told me I am...
Useless to you... Useless to society...
I am just a stupid kid playing and hiding in an adult's body...
Making myself looking more useless and stupid...

How I wish I could end it all... Right here, right now...
My heart will be sooner crushed and explode!

I don't know what to write... I am stupid remember?
I just put it all out... Putting it all out... (not using any brain...)
You may think that I am not like this... (the person who is so emotional...)
But I must be! Nobody else will love who I am... (I only have myself)

I am so stupid... I am so useless... I am so alone...
I wish someone would be here... Someone will be here... (who?)

Hate me! Hate me! Hate me! But it will never make me hate myself!
Cause if I do... Who else would love me? (a stupid useless kid)
I am alone... Forever alone... Staying this way... Maybe that's destiny...
It seems like this night... I am all alone... I might as well give up...

nde naman gaanong importante...

Msya ang araw ko ngaun.. bkt? aba malay ko! [nyak] anyways kc nman
kninang umaga, as usual late na naman akong pumasok and as usual
late nnman ako.. hai.. pro bgo ako mkpntang skul eh my nksby me na
korean family sa fx [social dba?] tpos mniniwla kba, na-cute-tan ako
sa anak nlang babae na bata pa.. cguro mga 8-11 ung age nia, kso i
doubt it! kc nmn koreans really luk young!! [galit?]

edi aun na... sndali lang ntapos ang 4hrs and 30mins kng klase kc ntpos
namin agad ung report... edi tapos nun uuwi na'ko... my pe classes pa'ko
kso tinmad ako eh, kc [1. umuulan ng mlaks, 2. maghihintay pko hnggng 5pm]
so umwi nko... Pgktpos nun eh nbsa ako ng ulan.. [sa jip pa ha!] kc ba
nman ung mga ktbi ko ayw ibaba ung parang plastic cover/pangharang [bsta!]
anyways un! noong fx nmn pauwi ay may nksaby nman me na filipino family...
May ksama naman xang batang bbae na ang age ay from 2-3 [bumbata ah!] nde
na cgurp kyo magtataka kng nakyutan din ako sa knya! dba? kc naman tinitgan
nia ako, as in titig! tinitigan ko din xa! [nkipag-flirt daw sa bata?] pro
un ang totoo! siguro mga 10 secs na kmi nagtitigan kya ngsawa na'ko tas
tumingin nlang ako sa iba.. [ntalo sa bata?] pero honestly, cute tlaga ung
bta! Pde xang artista! Promise! Saka isa pa... wak nalang, nakakahiya na eh...

E2 na! Last jip na makakauwi nko! Msya sna ung last ride kso my isang epal na
lalakeng mbaho at npktaba [salbahe? kala mo kng sinong di mtba] (glit lang xa
kc nde nia nktbi ung crush nia dhil sa mtbang un..) kc nga eh ni-reserve ko tlga
ung seat na un pra tabi kmi noong h.s crush ko noong 3rd year eh kso c psway na
taba eh, tumabi tlga skin! pinaalis ko na nga, tumabi prin! Ayun tloy! wah!
un lang... Ala nman gaanong importante diba??

You are my dream

I guess you and me should break up
Cause everything that we do together...
Seems not so happy... everything are ruined
everything IS ruined

Enough... all the memories you've left
Left with me... Left with my messed and crazy heart

I never thought we would be together
That was just a dream come true
But I guess it will remain that way
Cause I want you and me to be over

I am sorry for giving up... (especially on the right thing)
I am sorry for letting go... (especially of your right hand)

I don't know what to do... So scared when you're not with me
I seemed to look like a useless stupid kid in your face
I SEEM like a useless stupid kid ...
Wanting all of you... All of your attention...

All was just sudden... You are my dream...
You always bring my dreams to life!
Always telling me to fight (giving me that perfect innocent smile)
Always telling me not to let go (giving me a tight hold on my hand)

I am sorry we have to end this way...
I guess we're not really meant to be...

I just want you to know I am happy (even with these tears I shed)
I am so happy to be with you (even for a short period of time)
Like all the dreams... It has an end (I hate to say this)
You are my dream... And you'll always be (stay this way to me forever)

---

Notes: Inspired by the mangga I"s... It totally messed up my emotional feelings...
Well, it's story is good and the conflict is good... but! It's ending is not GOOD!
I admit that.... NABITIN AKO! Sobra!

Hinata

I really love those eyes of yours... (so white as snow)
Your innocent face that makes me tickle...
That refined movements you do...
Your gentle fists that can kill even you...

I really liked you from the start...
Since the first time I saw you...
You really are a typical shy girl...
That is why you are so special to me...

I can feel your pain... Trust me, I do!
As I started listening to your story...
Opening my ears and my soft heart...
I can't help myself... I want to comfort you...

I can feel the pain... I can feel your pain...
I wish I can hug you and time will stop...
I wish I could hug you forever and stay this way...
In this world where all the dreams came true...

I don't want to see you cry, don't shed another tear!
You are wrong about yourself! You are strong!
Don't stress yourself thinking about that!
You have your own special abilities...

You don't have to change yourself for other's sake!
You must be real for yourself...
No matter what happens, somebody will love the real you! (just like me)
And even though it's not the right time... I'm telling you that...

I guess I can't say it even here either...
If I can just really meet you in reality...
I will be a good ninja... (I will be the best just to protect you)
I am not strong... But my strength comes from within... -unlimited-

If I can see you for real for even a short span of time...
I will never let go of your soft hands...
I will stare of those eyes I love...
And tell you the exact words from my heart... (????)

I'm a man!!!!!!!

According to the tests I have answered... Here are the following results:

You are sweet, considerate, and a giver, but you're tough enough
not to let anyone take advantage of you! Your ideal relationship is lasting.
You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.
Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would
never break a commitment.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll
do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily. You are a challenger.
You enjoy spending your free time in nature, and you are good with animals
and children. Simply put, you enjoy beauty in all its forms and live for
the simple pleasures in life. Gentle, sensitive, and compassionate.

Open minded and accepting, you strive for harmony in your important
relationships. It takes a long time for people to get to know you. You
are hesitant to let people get close. But once you care for someone,
you do everything you can to help them grow and develop.

You have a strong need to belong, and you very loyal. A good listener, you
excell at helping others in practical ways. In your spare time, you enjoy engaging
your senses through art, cooking, and music. You find it easy to be devoted
one person, who you do special things for.

You act like a 19 year old. [I act like a 19-year-old??? That explains why I love
19 years old and older women... (woah!)] You're always willing to listen or lend
a shoulder to cry on. You're there through thick and thin. Many people consider
you their "best friend"!

And according to the results... (tada!) I act like a woman! (what the?)
My characteristics and personality fits for a woman... (what the again!)
Actually, long before, for your information I have known and made a theory
about myself... Acting more like a girl... (but I am never confused of my
gender! I am a man!!!!!!! [with 7 exclamation points!]) According to my
theory 7 or 6 years ago... I seem to act like a girl because I was surrounded
always by girls since I was young... If you want to understand more then
here are the following reasons according to my theory:

1. My father NEVER really SPEND QUALITY TIME with ME... I LEARNED all
the things I know now ALONE or with the help of girls...
2. I am the youngest and I have no "older brother" to look up to...
3. My sister is a 'girl' (obviously) and she always plays with me like a
girl sibling... [Teasing and treating me like a girl, making me listen to her music]
4. The dominating gender in our family and relatives are girls... Starting
from my cousins, tita, lola, etc...
5. I have gotten many 'girlish traits' from my mother...
6. Obviously, I have gotten few 'mail traits' from my father...
7. When I was young, I feel uneasy with guy friends than girl friends...
(that's still when I was young... [4-7 years old maybe])

That reasons may prove something or may not but one thing is for sure!!
I am a man! I will never like the same sex! Even though the results were
all 100% accurate, it doesn't matter... You can act like a girl but you're
not really a girl! (quite confusing???) A body with a girl's trait but a
heart of a man... that's totally different from being gay! I know... I've
retake the exam but it's still the same results... 57% female, 43%male...
But what can I do? I can't change myself... It's me... Take it or leave it!

I am not letting go!

I am not letting go!
I will not give up on you!
Even though that means 'pain'
I'll endure it all... I know I have you

You're still fighting aren't you?
Tell me you're not giving up on us!
I know all the things are complicated...
And that's more of a reason that we should fight!

I will never let go of your hand! Never!
Even if say it to me so... (if I let go, I may not be able to feel you again)
The warmth of hands calms me...
Calms my scared and shaky hands...

I know it's hard but we must try!
I know we will these struggles in the end!
We faced a lot of troubles and pain... (isn't that enough?)
Faced it all together... With a tight hold on each other's hands...

Why all of a sudden you're giving up?
After all we have dreamed and conquered together?
Why? I can't understand! Why are you giving up?
Don't give me that crying answer... (I don't want to see you cry, it's useless)

Quit! If that pleases you! But that doesn't mean you will count me in!
I'll face all our struggles alone... Fighting alone just to win you back!
I am all alone but the memories are still here... (giving me strength to move on)
I will never let go of you! Never! (even if I risk my life and dreams with it!)

Infintity

I have made a cementery to a world I do not own
I have changed it to a thing I have never expected
Every night I am thinking of what I have done
Very scared... Can't share with no one...

The world created changed everything
Making it dark and endless twisted
This is my world?
This is the world that gives me pain?

The pain that burns my heart...
The heart that is left alone...

There is no sign of light...
There is no sign of existence...
Even though you looked for infinity...
Infinty will forever haunt you...

---

Notes: Your greatest enemy soon is the part of yourself
that you have ignored to know forever! That's the truth!

Ninja... (in deep hours of thinking)

My princess... You're calling me?
Here I am... Your faithful servant
What can I do for you my princess?
Your ninja is here... Do not fear

I have never left you alone
I am always here
I am never far
I am always near

I can feel the danger in the wind
I can hear the cry of the wind
Their mourning if you're in danger
I can smell you right away

Pain endured will not last
I can bring you up and down so fast
I really wanted to forever guard you
But i guess... I can't...

I really need to end 'this' this early
So that I will not suffer long
So that I will have the time to think

I haven't felt 'this' way before
We are not meant to have 'this'
But I have proved one thing right!
I am... I am indeed a human!

I have awaited this time for so long...
The time for me to stop...
The time for me to think...

I guess we have to end like this...
Or maybe you can just stop me...
Find me my princess...
You're clean heart will surely guide you...

---

Notes: hiyaaah! *sigh*

My angel --fallen--

The clouds of heaven are opening unto me
I have thought that you are my angel
My angel that have no heaven to return to
My angel that needs to be with me

I have always thought you will be the one
The one who will be my angel, the one who will watch me
I have always been watching you from the corner
From the very far corner of the endless square

I have built my dreams in your absolute world
Thinking that I will be happy with it
Desiring that you will be my lucky angel
Hoping that the star is pointing at the right person

Shattered are my dreams and hope
Crushed is my soul and heart
Destroyed is my world and whole being
Exaggerated.. Maybe? Is that my love?

What the ------ I am experiencing??
Haven't felt these before
Lots of pain... Flowing like blood..
Rushing and so hot...
Burning my entire heart...

Anger is what I am feeling
I really have fallen
I have really fallen
Fallen for you.. -My fallen angel-

What a day!

What a day! it's so rough and exhausting! Wow!
At least I am a little lucky because my math
professor isn't around so I have nothing to
do after my english class! Wow! I have experienced
again sitting on the hot seat being toasted with
very hot and steaming questions by our VERY intimidating
professor in which by the way for your information, not
by making myself proud about it, the same professor who
gave me a 1.5? If my memory is correct in our defense
last term... whew! That was tough! getting that high grade
wasn't that easy... It almost sucked all my intellect in
my brain after answering all those questions... Whew! I
was indeed wasted! Woah! is that term correct??? I haven't
made a good impression but I hope I have left a good one
because I have answered all the questions she have thrown
unto me even to my groupmates... I will make to a point to
get a higher score and get the grade I truly deserve! I
will never quit! never!

Panaginip

Matagal ko na siyang napapanaginapan... Actually talagang matagal
na matagal na.. Muntikan na nga kaming ikasal sa huli kong panaginip...
Kaso... Nahulog ako sa kama! *toinks* yan tuloy! Nagising ako... Pero
sa lahat ng mga panaginip ko na nandoon siya eto ang pinaka-kakaiba...
Ala kasi kaming mga physical contacts noon.. Usap-usap lang... Ewan
ko ba bakit di ko maalala mukha niya! Pero naalala ko ung mga nangyari!
Ang labo talaga! Ah basta! Ung nangyari talaga astig! Sa panaginip ko
nasa beach kami... Pinagmamasdan ang araw... Tapos noong naglalakad
na kami... Bigla ko nalang na-feel na ibaba ung kamay ko tapos siya din
binaba niya din ung kamay nia tapos... Bigla nalang kaming nag-hold hands!
Hindi ko talaga maipaliwang pero mabilis ang mga pangyayari sa panaginip
ko... Basta un na ang nangyari! Habang hawak ko ang kamay niya... Parang
totoong-totoo! Damang-dama ko na parang may kahawak talaga ang mga
kamay ko... Hindi lang kahawak... Pati ang init at lambot ng kamay niya...
Damang-dama ko... Piling-piling mga panaginip lamang ang nararanasan ko
na ganito... Kung hindi ko siya maalala... Ibig sabihin nde special... Alam ko
talaga pag damang-dama ko ung isang bagay kasi dati may panaginip ako na
nahulog ako sa bangin tapos parang totoong-totoo ung sakit... Tapos may
sugat ako sa paa! Un pala nahulog na ako sa kama! Tapos ang sakit sakit
talaga! Tapos bigla nalang ako nagkasugat sa paa! Amazing talaga! Ang mga
bagay-bagay talaga na nagbibigay ako ng interest ay ang mga panaginip...
Kung ano nga ba ang epekto nito sa taong nakakaranas nito... Kaya nga dahil
doon ay noong 3rd year highschool ako... Sumulat ako ng story tungkol sa mga
panaginip... Oo! Tama! Novel xa! Hanggang ngayon nde parin xa tapos kasi
tinatamad ako... Maganda ang framework ng story nia! Kaso... nde masulat2
dahil sa lack ng tym... (katamaran in short) haha! Anyways, priority ko kasi
muna itong blog! I don't want to mess with my characters life for now... (for
now??? E ilang taon mo na kayang nde ginagalaw yang novel mo??????) hehe!
anyways dapat madami akong ididiscuss about dreams kaso kasi tinatamad na
naman ako magsulat... (kelan ba hindi) so... Baka tuloy ko nalang ito next tym!

3 swerte

Masaya ang araw ko ngayon! Salamat kay reiniel! hehe! Ganito kasi ang
umpisa ng araw ko... Maaga akong ginising ni mommy para pumuntang LTO
para tuluyan ng mailipat sa pangalan ko ang kotse ng daddy ko! yahoo!
anyways pagkatapos non ay kumuha na rin me ng student license! HAhaha!
student lang pala! SO... eto na! Mga 2pm ng umalis ako at pumunta ky na
reiniel! mga pass 3pm na ako nkapunta sa knila at mlaman-laman ko na 2log
pla xa! wat??? sayang pamasahe! Anyways dahil nga tulog siya eh umuwi
nalang ako! At Heto na nga ang sinasabi kong masayang part! Naku po! Ang
nakasabay ko sa jeep! PAre ang ganda talaga! Tsinita na Koreana! Asteeg!
Ang ganda talga! Naka-violet siya na sleeveless tapos ang buhok niya manipis
na kulay blonde tapos singkit... Ung face niya talaga ung parang koreana! Ang
puti pa! Saka bagay sa kanya ung flip-flops niya saka ung kulay ng kanyang nail
polish! ang haba pa ng kuko sa paa! hehe! Joke lang... Tapos...pagkatapos nun..
gabi na noong pupunta ulit ako kay na reiniel... kailangan ko kasi ung cd ng
microsoft office2000! hehe! Edi eto na! Pagka-alis ko.. Swerte pagsakay ko
ng jeep papuntang sta lu, pero kay reiniel ako ppunta.. eh nakasabay ko naman
ay isang 'rocker chick'! Rocker talaga! Complete accesories pati make-up!
Mala-kitchie nadal kaso skinnie tapos short hair... Saka ang isa pang
nagpamukhang rocker sa kanya ay ang eyebugs nia! Ang kapal! hehe! Baka
liner lang un or sumting.. So anyways nakuha kona ung cd... Pauwi na ako at
naiisip ko na ang mga swerteng nakita ko dahil lang sa pagpunta ko kay rein...
At eto pa! pag-uwi ko my nakasabay ako sa jeep na 'sporty chick'...
Naka-sports porma naman! Maganda din... Ok na.. Pero da best parin talaga
si tsinita-koreana! Hindi ko siya makakalimutan!!!! (paano ko xa makakalimutan
eh tinitigan ko???) wakeke! O paano ba yan rein??? Napakaswerte ng araw ko
ngayon! hehe! Salamat ha! teka... 3 nga lang ba?????? Tama! Pero nde naman
swerte ung nangyari noong sunday eh... INaasahan mo lang nman un... Kaso..
Ako pa rin ang nakinabang!! hahaha! hehehehe! /m\ just smiling.....

Forever is not the word for us

I don’t know if I can utter a word
To depict these feelings I feel
But I discern it is real
I think I’m going absurd

Why can you mar me so much?
Why can you chill me with your touch?
The eyes with glazing stares
Can merge my mind-set in the air

My psyche cannot think
My eyes cannot wink
When I’m with you I’m getting weak
Many says my wits has a leak

But why do I like forever to join you and me?
When everyday, I know it’s me you can’t see
For you I’m just imperceptible
But for me you’re indomitable

Casting my moan away
Making my qualms sway
But making you stay
I can’t do, in just a day

So why do I hope to be with you?
If I do know there’s no hope
Why do I want to hear I love you too?
If I do know your answer is nope

So maybe I’ll just stop this
Cause surely this you will miss
Forever is crushed for you and me
That’s all I want for you to see!

---

Notes: This is sad... Giving up... I really do believe that if you love
somebody, why should you give up? letting go and giving up is different
in how people think and feel about it... According to my opinion....
AS if that matters??

3rd day of 4th term...

This day was indeed balance! I really love my day today... It's not too
boring and it's not also full of action... As I have said earlier it's
balanced... Well to start the story of my wonderful day I would like to
tell you all that I have a pretty good mood when I have woke up at 5:35am
which for your F.Y.I. I really don't like to do... After that I went to
school and thinking that I will be late for my class in Psychology...
When I have entered the room... I was wondering why my classmates were so
many and I almost don't know all of them... They all seemed to be looking
at me when I have came in... 2 minutes later the class has ended... I looked
at my cellphone to see the time and poof! It's only 9:00am! I have attended
the wrong class!!! Poor me... The professor was not mad but he just said
a little reminder to me because imagine that I entered his class just for
2 minutes??? Angas ko ba? But after his class I have explained to him that
I am attending the 9:00am class... Well that's really embarassing... For me
ha... I don't know with you... Anyways, psychology is the subject that gets
my interest right now... I don't know... Maybe because it's stress free
because all of my other subject are hard especially calculus 3!!! I thought
I love math??? Yeah... I love it! ... After that my next class is physics...
Nothing important happened even in my Humanities class... I have 1hr spare
time before my math subject so I decided to drop by at shangri-la to make
a studio pic for my requirements in my subjects... After going to shang-rila
I rode a jeepney to MAPUA I have saw a very disturbing scene! Very disturbing!
You know what I saw? You don't want to know! An old, maybe 80-year old man
that is wearing shades and guess what?! He is a gay! Kumikindat pa! Yikes!
Kakakilabot! Eto pa! If you have seen his (baka her???) outfit... (naku!)
VERY DISTURBING! GAY na GAY ang LOLA niyo (oh yan ha tama na!)... After that
very disturbing scene I have entered my room in math4 and there I found out
that my professor in Math is my professor last term.... Oh thank GOd! I
really have my breathe catch up a little bit in that subject even though I
have no friends there... After that we discussed in one day all that we learned
in the previous term! Now I really believe the alumnis and the other seniors!!!
Woah! One term=One day! Really nice! Calculus2 lessoned in just a day, but it's
okie! I really don't worry anyway! (yabang! Heater please!) Well, it's not so
important but at least my day today is much better than my first day! I am happy
also that I am not lazy today because I have written this! I have so many ideas
in my mind but my laziness gets in first... I hope I can write all of them
before my laziness eats up all my ideas and remaining talents... *sigh*

First day of 4th term

*sigh* This day isn't fun!!! Honestly speaking my first day in class this
term is far too much from my worst expectation!!! It's like I am struck
by water and lightning by a difference of a second... It's also like the
mountains fell over me and drowned me into the deepest blue sea... That's
how bad my day is... Actually I am overreacting! Hehe!

My mood is very good when I woke up! I am sooooooooooooooooooo excited!!
But when I saw the room.... Woah! My excitement was crushed in an instant!
What am I gonna do?? If I have no one to talk with??? I have no friends!!!
It's only my hanky and my penny beside me... Always there... Giving me glee..
I am a loner there! I looked stupid! I am talking to myself discussing my
answer to the question of the professor...

I hate it! But I need to adjust! I need to learn to be independent... I need
to stand alone... Cause I... I am forever alone... I know I am not that
intelligent and friendly looking that's why maybe they'll just leave me
alone... I like to be alone... I almost liked it because I am forever alone..
But I can't let myself alone in a classroom and talking to myself while the
professor is discussing for 5400 seconds!!! I don't want to be labeled as
'crazy', 'nerd', 'jerk' anything!!!

I hate it! BUt all my professors are interesting... I think I will learn
more from them... Let's see my improvement... My english will surely improve
after this term... Having these two terror teachers in psychology and mixed
literature, psychology, etc, etc... HOpe I can pass without talking to any1..
*sigh* Life can be so boring when you are alone... But what can I do???????
As if I can do anything about it... I must face every hindrance in my way...
I can do it... I have still my friends??? back in highschool ryt???????????
Always there... Even though they're not around... Our dreams and our memories
will surely make me strong in times like this... I still have my love as my
inspiration... Do you know who she is, or he is??? He is a he! He is me!!!!!
I love myself!!! Cause myself loves me too! hehe! Just joking! I don't have
inspirations for this term but I sure have someone special for me right now..
I'll give you a hint: I have known her for a very long tym... Since I was
young... I don't know if it's fate or destiny but who knows??? There are no
such things as ACCIDENTS!!! All was meant to be! All has a purpose.........
Even this loneliness I am feeling... I know I can use this in the near future..

Serious Talk...

I have done some "thinking" and "talking" these past 30 seconds and I have
asked myself... "What if everything that I have now... I can change...
all of them... According to my choice"... Questions started running after
that 30 seconds... 1 minute after that... these questions came out of my
head... Overflowing! Will I be happier? Will I regret it? Will I not be alone?
Will I be succesful? Will I be a conqueror? Will I be mad? Will I be better?
Will I be worst? And many more that I have forgotten! I told ya! Overflowing!!

If I can change everything right now according to my choice... What will I be?
How will it affect me? Will I miss the old me? Will I wish back what I have
changed before? I really don't know...

In the past... Back when I was still young, though I am still so young now....
When I am so mad... With my life, my friends, myself!!! And all these stupid
people making useless things!!! I always wonder how my world will be if I can
change it according to my choice... These questions are not getting tired even
though they are always running in my head: What if I can choose new friends?...
Will they be better? What if I can choose my parents?... Will I be happier?
What if I can choose my talents?... Will I be better? There are so many of
them!!! But I writed only 3 because it would take me an hour to post a post with
too many characters!!! Trust me! They're so many!!!

I always want to change things according to what I wanted and desired... But
everytime I came into these kind of questions... I always answer my stupid
questions... (You need to know more about me! The all types of me! Trust
me! YOu don't want to know!) You may find me crazy but sometimes... When
I talk to myself... THere is always that mature rj I am talking with...
He always give me the right advice! I always call my mature rj when someone
needs advices... Yah I know it's me but I want him to be called mature
rj cause the rj that is always seen by many is the jolly rj... problem free!
Always happy... There are ONLY VERY FEW CHOSEN PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN THE REAL
ME, but NO PERSON in my life had tried and had known the all kinds of rj...
NO ONE... NO ONE!!! That's why I am forever alone... Because I know I can just
act crazy and talk to myself with stupidity...

This is a serious talk...

I may have started a good topic but I can't stop my hand and my mind from typing
all these stuff! I really can't!! But the answer in all these stupidity I
have came up with is God... You know what I always answer back to myself with
these questions??? There are no such things as ACCIDENTS... All was meant to be...
Even that shit you saw in the cage of your dog... Even the small rock that you use
to kick when you're so mad and hitted the face of a muscled-gay... Even the day you
thought you were alone... Dancing and singing naked in your house and then you
found out that they've done a surprise party... All of these things... Everything
that occurs in every second in your life is not an accident... Everything that
happened in your life has a destiny... A destiny you will just figure out when you
are old... A destiny that you will forever regret if you haven't done your part...

This is a serious talk...

Don't let life hit you hard when you're old... Don't try to regret the
things when you are older... Wishing you have figured it out when you were young...
Wishing you can change the past like me... Everybody has a destiny to fulfill...
God has a plan for you... All the hurt and the happiness you had experience are not
coincidence... It's your destiny... You may not know it, but you must still fulfill
it... Read the bible... Pray everyday... May seem so corny... but if you believe
that's not true... don't ever dare to say! "I wish I can change the past"

Aparador ba o Photo Album???

Binuksan ko ang aparador ko kanina..... biglang bumalik mga alaala.....
Alaala ng nakaraan..... Mga dinaanan at sinaktan.............. (xempre!
ikaw ba naman daanan ko hindi ka masasaktan? iba na nman iniisip mo noh?
umamin ka na!) Tapos bigla kong nakita ang photo album... Photo album
ng tropa... Hehe! Ang laki na ng aming pinag-iba, pati na rin ang mga
alaala... ibang-iba narin sila (nde ako kasama) pati ako, ang laki ng
aming pinagbago... Mga kalokohan noon unti-unting bumalik sa isipan...
Mga hinarap na problema, mga katuwaan at mga asaran... Malaki na talaga
ang iniba ng barkada... Lalong naging mas matatag, lalong naging mas
malakas... Ngayon... Magkasangga kami sa bawat hamon ng buhay, nagtutulungan
dahil ganyan ang tunay na pagkakaibigan! Walang iwanan, kahit hanggang
kabaliwaN! este kamatayan pala! Sa mga letratong nakita ko madami ang
nakakatawa, tawa talaga ako ng tawa! Masayang-masaya ako! Dahil kada lipat
ko ng pahina ng photo album... Para akong bumabalik sa nakaraan at isa-isang
binabalikan ang mga masasayang alaala... Masyado nang nag-iba ang pisikal
naming anyo... Nag-evolve na kami... Ung isa sa amin may bulbulin armor na!
Walang malisya yan ha! Mabuhok kasi yong mukha niya! kilala niyo na siguro
di ba? tanga niyo naman mga 'tol kung di niyo siya kilala! Hindi lang pisikal
ang pinagbago... Pati yata emosyon... Ngayon karamihan sa kanila tumibay ata
ang proteksyon sa puso... Kasi ba naman sugod ng sugod pag na-busted ayan!
Masakit hindi ba? Pero dahil nga nag-mature na... Natatangap din nila...
Oh yan ha! QUits na tayo! Sabihn ko ba namang mature na kayO??? joke lang...
Xenxa na nga pala sa tinamaan... Saka isa pa at least hindi na kayo torpe
di ba? Basted nga lang... Pero ano bang masakit ang tawag? Torpe o Basted???
Parang walang sagot sa pagpipilian eh... anyways mga toys nasaan na tayo???
Nasaan na nga ba tayo? Nakalimutan ko na! Tutuloy ko ito pag naalala ko na!!

Paano ako magmahal?

Paano nga ba ako magmahal? Isang tanong na aking pinag-iisipan...
Wala pa akong minahal na hindi ko kapamilya pero kung saka-sakali...
Paano nga ba ako magmahal? Ewan ko kung bakit... Pero minsan hindi ko
talaga maintindihan...

cguro k2lad din ng mga normal na tao... maalaga, maasikaso malambing,
etc, etc... pro kng iisipin kung mabuti kng paano ako mgmahal masasabi
ko na ako ay tlgang mxadong bata pa nga... seloso, naghahanap ng
atensyon... cguro dati pa un kc ngaun ewan ko lng... di ko pa na-try...
(yikes! my pa-try2 pko!) anyways bata pa naman ako, pro gusto ko na
tlga mtangal ung mga ugaling bata ko...

Magulo ako magmahal... Seloso, seryoso, magulo... Minsan ayoko
ng seryoso, gusto ko laging masaya, pero pag seryoso... seryoso!
Seloso ako pero hindi naman aabot sa dating na mawawalan ako ng tiwala..
Seryoso ako hanggang sa dulo ng pagiging seryoso ng kausap ko...
Magulo ako hanggang sa dulo ng pagiging magulo ng kausap ko.....

Kakaiba din ako magmahal... Todo-todo walang preno... Pero
ginagamit ko naman iyong utak ko kasi ayoko naman ng lokohan! At kahit
anong mangyari sisiguraduhin ko na hindi ako maloloko... Ayos na ang
maghintay habang buhay dahil waiting is a virtue... Matagal man akong
maghintay... Sulit naman!

Ayoko na ma-mi-mizz namin ang kahit isang anniversary, monthsary
at lahat pa ng okasyon! Gusto ko siyang laging alagaan pero iyong hindi
siya ma-iispoil at maging dependent sa akin...

Pero sa lahat ng kakaiba, ito ang kakaiba! Pag mahal ko ang
isang tao... Hindi na baleng iwan niya ako... Basta huwag lang ako ang
mang-iiwan sa kanya... Pero sana naman huwag naman niya akong iwan di
ba?! Pero kung ako ay papipiliin... Mas gusto ko na ako na ang iwan
niya... Kaysa ako ang mang-iwan sa kanya... Ewan ko ba? Pero ayaw ko
talagang mang-iwan ng minamahal.. Iniiyakan ko talaga ng todo... Kahit
matawa pa ang marami... Wala akong paki! Mahal ko eh! Angal ka?

Same Ground [Kitchie Nadal]

My love
It's been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue
It's hard
Leaving you the way
When i never really wanted to

Self denial
Is a game so strange i never really should've wanted
Til there was you
Cause i have learned that love was beyond
What human can imagine
More it clears
The more i gotta let you go

'cause what i don't understand
Is why i'm feeling so bad now
When i know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Now why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground

My love
It's been a long time since i cried
And left you out of the blue
It's hard
Leaving you the way
When i never really wanted to

Self denial
Is a game so strange i never really should've wanted
Til there was you
Cause i have learned that love
Is a word just thrown
A litlle bit too much of this
Excuse to fill this infinite of desire
And nevere ever have to fade

Cause what i don't understand
Is why i'm feeling so bad now
When i know it was my idea
I could've just denied the truth and lied
Now why am i the only one standing stranded
On the same ground

If all else fail
Would you be there to love me?
When all else fails
Would you be brave to see right through me?

pangarap

ang bwat tao ay maraming pangarap... marami sa atin ang gustong matupad ang
bawat pangarap sa kanilang mga puso... noong ako'y bata pa........... bata prin ako
ngaun!! wahehe (connection? la lng) ang dami ko 'ding mga pangarap!
mdming-mdami!! pro ang pinaka-gusto kong matupad sa lahat ay... (drums) ay ang
maging... isang mabuting ama... at... makabuo ng 1 masaya at nagmamahalang =,(
pamilya... (naks! ang drama!) wakeke! ang kuletzz! pro serious ako noh! pangarap
ko parin un hangang ngaun!! siguro kc hinahanap ko un sa pamilya ko, o kya cguro
gusto ko lng tlgang maging tatay! (ay, patay tau dyan! maaga pa!) wahehe! minsan
nga natatakot ako dumating ang panahon na un... ang dami-dami kong mga tanong
sa sarili ko! pno kung nde ko mtupad ang pangarap ko? pno kng ktulad din ako ng
ibang tatay diyan? pno kng... pno kng... at mdmi png iba!!!mukha mang exaggerated
(tma b spelling?) eh this is true, quite true, ewan ko bsta totoo yan! hehe, college pa
lng ako pro prang nabuksan ang isip ko sa realidad na mahirap abutin ang mga
pangarap!! dapat itong paghirapan ng maiigi kung gusto moitong makamtam!! (naks!
ang lalim!) anyways ang bottom line nito ay aim high, reach for the best! (un lng pala
un ang haba-haba pa ng intro!) wakeke! kaya guyz and galz tuparin natin ang mga
pangarap ntin! khit simple man o malaki, ang importante ay naisakatuparan natin ang
mga ito! mdami pa akong mga pangarap tulad ng maging isang sikat na writer, maging
artista (pwedeng pkibura?), maging singer (asa!), maging dancer (asa ulit!), maging poet,
bsta! mdmi pa tlga! pro sa bwat pangarap na ito na matutupad ko balang araw (pagbigyan
nio na ako!), sna ay nde ko mkalimutan ang mga araw na sila ay mga pangarap lamang...
laging tandaan "always put your feet on the ground". sa bawat pangarap na natutupad
dpat nting ihanda ang ating sarili na maging humble at maging mabait sa kapwa... un lng
poh... tnx 4 reading! enjoy ur vacation! God bless!

Unguarded

I have known you by surprise...
That's why I don't know what to do...
You have exposed me to the beautiful reality...
The reality of the wonderful hurtful world...

I really do enjoy my old world back then...
Then you opened the doors for me...
I tried to close all of them to protect me...
But my heart runaways with you...

From then on I am now succeptible of attacks..
Attacks that my body cannot guard nor handle..
Attacks that are coming from my heart to my brain...
Sucking up all my time... Giving me too much pain...

After that I really have fallen for you...
And ever since that very special moment...
When I am with you...
I am crazy... I don't know what to do...

I tried to kill these feelings attacking me...
Their attacking me cause I have no guards...
My heart is very succeptible to attacks...
I have let the door too much opened!

I am really much happier with my world before...
Living alone... Living happy...
I don't want these feelings I am feeling...
Feeling alone... Feeling unhappy...

I am a human for your information...
And even though I am a loner...
I know how to feel things...
I also feel 'hurt feelings'

Back from the start I really didn't expected...
But my heart keeps opening the doors...
Doors to my unguarded heart...
Making it succeptible for attacks again...

I really believe you don't like me...
I didn't expected a single chance...
My mind killed all my faith...
So it will be strong against these attacks...

But the hardest part is...
My heart is always beating for you...
Always opening the doors to my unguarded heart...
Making it succeptible for attacks again...

I really hate these feelings...
If I can put walls before my door...
I really did it long before...
I really don't know what to do...

Even though I have accepted my fate...
My heart always keep my doors open...
Open for only one person...
Making it succeptible for attacks again...

Ung Kyespi Shalalalala Di [Full House]

Sarang-um tem-ulo ke-so
Hirong-ki tufum kul-a mul-aso
Nanam-cho chatu sarang-he ku-soni
Itu de mu-ande

Irachu para koran-u
Chum-ul cho shija kuti bu-an laso
Pabu cho-nom ige wasom idang
Kiniji mude mula ru-wiso

Chorus:
Niga saranghite ji-an kirung hiroso
Noma-gum cho teru a-ngi kirung hiroso
Nom-saranghe a-guto nanum sungkyo-o shina guso kyo-woso
Chamkisu chiong nanum ino igil pareso
Abucha chiong mande keman kiyorung kemika
Nakiman manyong sobuno kebo ten moshi yopshi bina
Chakul sulpochio

Cha-napal shija kiragu
Kuro ke shiki sina musol nunde
Unje ku sul kusol kuragu
Nani to son unde
Ke take naniya unji
Oji sokut-o kecha nute unji
Nom saranghe kiye ya haunde
Kimude kino moku riwajo

Repeat chorus except last line

Kijo no-a higa namo hemi om-nunde
Kija nagu nawul ocho suga om-junde
Noriji woya naranda nusa shibundi
Wongu tunga
Jo hil tul kehe

First Love Must Die

First love must die
So I can enter in your heart
Be honest! Don’t lie!
Are your hearts truly apart?

Did you already move on?
I don’t think so!
First love must go!
So I can let my feelings in

How can I make you forget?
If your heart and mind won’t let
How can I make you happy?
If it’s always him you see

How can I return the brightness in your life?
If you’re covering it with your dark past
How can I make you need me?
If you make me feel unneeded

How can I clear your heart?
If you’re always putting a space for him
When will I know the proper time?
If you will not give me a single chance

How can I take away your fears?
If for him, you still shed tears
How can I stop your worrying?
If your love for him is undying

What must I do?
Tell me! I won’t give up on you
I can’t kill your first love?
It’s only you or my God above

I just want you to know that I’m not resting
Until forever that your love is undying
But though I don’t have a single chance
I’m just happy to see you more than a glance!

---

Notes: I am really desperate in writing this? Am I? Well maybe you think
I am drunk or I am so mad, but nah! I am not... I am just trying to say
here that give me a chance... One chance to prove your wrong... One
chance to help you and me... One chance you can't give me.. drama tlga!!

Partisan [SpongeCola]

I've been dreaming for so long
To see you smile right back at me
From where you are

I've been wishing for so long
To see smiling back at me
Like I'm somebody special

But as I aged and as I changed
I left it all behind
Cause now your calls seem kind of mellow

Will I run to you
Even If I'm loosing hours
Even if I'm loosing hours of sleep
Even If I'm slowly fading away

I've been down to long
Yeah I know
I know cause the radio's been playing that same old song
That same old song

About this regular guy
With regular hopes
And regular dreams gone stale

Coz he doesn't know where to go

We can find another break time to sit and talk a while
I'll be your king and you'll be my queen and we'll be dancing all night
But its getting there, its getting to me and it's tearing me apart
Cause he doesn't know where to go

Will I run to you

Neon [SpongeCola]

Your smile is gently freezing
The snow throws it away
You're the laughter in my silence
The cold that keeps me awake
Green towel is soft spoken
With thoughts you never knew
Coz the lies and empty promises
I blew them all in hue

How does it feel?
How is it that i cant feel?
Cos i, i need to know

Coz i, i know i can never be enough
To replace your whatever
And i, i think it's shiny and blue
Like a dance that's see-thru
Cos i, i know i can never be enough
To replace your whatever
Now everything is silent
And everything is still without you near

Everything about you
The world was something new
And i was there in the open
Well, just to be with you
But everytime i see the shelter
And everytime i walk away
You're the laughter in my silence
The cold that fuels my day

How does it feel?
How is it that i cant feel?
Cos i, i need to know...

Coz i, i know i can never be enough
To replace your whatever
And i, i think it's shiny and blue
Like a dance that's see-thru
Cos i, i know i can never be enough
To replace your whatever
Now everything is silent
And everything is still without you near

And everytime i see you passing by
I'll just stay here waiting for you
And i will talk to myself on a lazy sunday afternoon
And i'll still sing that prayer for you
I'll be a little bit kind enough for me
While i try to be so perfect, you'll see that
And nothing can compare to whatever lies out there.

There's no one here...
There's no one here...
There's no one here...
There's no one...

It doesn't affect me...

Some people are trying to tell me that we are having a smooth and wonderful
conversation... Perhaps our relationship will be as calm as a calm sea...

Some people are giving me advices that are really not helping me in my
stand right now... I just want us to be 'close'... that's all...

Some people are going ahead of me... Telling me that 'this the right and
proper time I have been waiting for'... But I really don't care...

Some people are telling me to ask you out on a vacation... Just you and
me... But I don't feel that that is the right thing to do...

Maybe we have the same feelings for each other because our mood gets
along very well... But sometimes it's hard to be with you on a crowd...

I don't know if I need time and space between the two of us but I think
the best thing to do is to just stay this way... "friends"

Even though many people are messing up with my mind... Nothing can mess
with my heart... And when the time comes that it will beat for you...
Whatever they will say... It doesn't affect me... Really... Nothing at all...

History About the Author...

I am the Author! RJ! stands for Rio Jason... Thanks for the intro RJ!
Well seriously speaking there are many kinds of RJ!!! Who do you want
to talk with??? Serious Rj, Funny Rj, Corny Rj, Crazy Rj, Stupid Rj,
Loving Rj, Crying Rj, Genius Rj, Jolly Rj, Loud Rj, Silent Rj, Messy Rj,
.......................................................................
... RJ, ... Rj, ... Rj, ... Rj, ... Rj, ... Rj, ... Rj, and so on......
After 10 years! ... RJ, ... Rj, ... Rj, ... Rj, ... Rj, ... Rj, ... Rj

Yah! Now you've talked to all of them! here is the Author Rj speaking...
NOw let's get into business... The history of author Rj??? uhhhhmmmmm...
Let me think about it....................... NAh! I won't use after 10
years because it's already used!!! YOu won't buy it again, don't you??
NOw! I've remembered! I started to be an author since grade 6 if my leaked
memory is correct... I writed non-sense as in very stupid and very corny
things as well!! If you will read that today you may really conclude that
I'm indeed so special!! As in the SPECIAL child! Actually I was brought up
by my mom that you must only have one love and that one love must be the
one you're ready to marry... Until now I believe "SOME" of that stuff!!!
So most of my poems that were done are almost about forever!!! Love for
me before is not to be tried and tested like a new cooked rice that you
will just vomit if it's too hot to handle... After that..... I really known
love??? I don't know but based on different persons I have met and talked
to I have learned many kinds of love... After that my writing skills was
used totally in my 3rd year high school days... (Yah right!) I have started
to feel puppy love there?? (Oh is that true?) and then later on............
Poof! Simple Cream was produced!! Thanks to the urge of my friend and tell
me two things... just read my introduction... Anyways this must be a short
history but it seems like Author Rj enjoyed writing about his history.....
Anyways this is Genius Rj telling to you to study hard and peace out!!!!!!
-------signing of------- -------Chiddaja Cream/Funny Rj/Corny Rj-------

I think I'm fallen

A little conversation
Turning into little sweet sensations
And their only getting sweeter everytime
A friendly get together turning into visions of forever if i just believe this
Foolish heart of mine

Refrain:

I can't pretend that i'm just a friend and i'm thinking maybe we were meant to be

Chorus:
I think i'm fallin fallin in
Love with you and i don't i don't
Know what to do i
'm afraid you'll
Turn away
But i'll say it anyway
I think i'm fallin for you
I'm fallen for you

Whenever were together
I'm wishing that goodbye's
Would turn to never
Cause with you is where
I always wanna be
Whenever i'm beside
You all i really want
To do is hold you
No one else but you has
Meant this much to me
(refrain, chorus x)

I'm fallin for you

Love is Patient

Love is patient, that’s what I know
Over the mountains high and low
Valuing love one’s, needs to wait
Even though sometimes, it’s too late
Incessantly waiting for love is a task
Sneering must be buried to the dusk
Profound understanding is needed
Anguish is sometimes included
T orrent of patience is bad
Intrusive for love is sad
Essence of waiting is always included
Napping is excluded
Time is the perfect test in love

---

Notes: Buhay pa pala ito!!! Matagal ko na itong sinulat! elementary pa
yata?? Basta 10 or 11 pa ako niyan.. tignan mo naman ang pinag-gagawa
ko noong bata pa ako di ba??? di talaga normal!!

Mga nilikha

Ano ba ang mga nilikha?
Lahat ba sila ay masama?
Masarap ba silang pagmasdan?
O sila ba ay kinakatakutan?

Mayroon bang himala?
Saan ba ito nagmula?
Lahat ba ng nilikha
Ay ginawa para maging malaya?

Mayroon bang nagsusumbong?
Para mayroong makulong
Mayroong bang nagkakandarapa?
Upang magtrabaho sa lupa

Marami ba ang sagana?
O marami ang nadadaya?
Maganda ba ang iyong pangalan?
O mas maganda ang iyong sasakyan?

Marami ba ang mga magka-toto?
Na hindi namin nagpapakatotoo
Bakit ba sa lahat ng dako?
Marami ang nagpapanggap na guwapo!

Ang problema sa malaki ang ulo
Dahil ito’y napakatalino!
Napakadami ng tao sa mundo
Pero ba’t wala pang nakakakita sa paraiso?

Mayroon pa bang malinis na tubig?
Mayroon pa bang ibong kayganda ng tinig?
Marami ba ang nawiwili?
Sa mga alahas at palamuti

Bakit lahat ng nagkakasakit?
Ay nagdadasal kahit saglit
Paano pa ba mararating?
Ang ating mga mithiin

Ano ba ang sangkap?
Nang iyong mga pangarap
Ano ka ba para sa akin?
Sino ba ang nasa aking paningin?
Sino ba ang mga nilikha?
Bakit ko sila kamukha?

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Notes: toinks! 'yon lang ang masasabi ko.. Toinks!

Introduction

Welcome to my blog! Actually this is more of a place when you can see
all of my poems.. not all of them really... cause you know... all the
poems that are posted here are made because of certain circumstances
which I don't really want to talk about... For "the others" concern...
(Am I included? nevermmind..) I have decided to create a blog for gud
reasons and that is... tada! "I have nothing to do with my summer break"
I usually and always stay at home... HOME... }{0^^3... HOme... hOMe...
and did I mension HoMe??? That's how cool my summer break is? cool isn't
it?? Well, I really don't want my poems to be read and be seen in public
but my friend told me two things that made me do it... "It's a gift"
so show it... "express yourself" so others may know your talents and
capacities... Well, about simple cream.... uhhmmmm... uhhhhhmmmmm...
For sure I'm not a cream, but I am indeed simple! I am very sorry if
you will not enjoy your stay here... but although you miss all the fun...
I'll still say to you "Have a nice day reading my poems and hope u enjoyed
your stay!" I am not just ordinary but I am simple! That's why I am special!